so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
