im six kinds of drunk right now
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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