actually, I'm a sock model
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
try to milk me bitch
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
