when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
