M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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