you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
