Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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