I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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