That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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