If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I AM VODKA MAN
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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