you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I am full of burrito and curiosity
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
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