i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
