apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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