I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.