its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"