I just saw a hot homeless man
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
