so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i've created a new STD.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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