I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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