I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I party with great urgency now.
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