you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
