Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Randomize
