Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
