My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
