I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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