Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
