And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
