yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
