I only kidnapped one of them. chill
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
