She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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