dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
