I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
