I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
