he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
