OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
