my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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