so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
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just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
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I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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