I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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