Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
