WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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