If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
