Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
