my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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