Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
