just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
