when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
