Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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