Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
