My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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