Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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