He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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