Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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