and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
