Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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