I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
