If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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