Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
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i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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