I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
