he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
