It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
