i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
