There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
